Mitch Lewis

In my role as a chaplain, I sometimes work with individuals and families that have suffered some form of significant trauma, injury or disease. Some are war related; in my present job, however, most are not. Sometimes, friends or family members ask how they can best relate to people who have suffered great injuries. What follows is my inexpert opinion, based on my limited pastoral experience. I don't pretend to offer professional mental health advice. If what I suggest doesn't seem instinctively right to you, check with your own mental health advisor.

Twelve Strategies for Helping Friends with Long Term Coping and Recovery

1. Meet their needs, not yours. Be in tune with the person you are trying to help.

2. Maintain a sense of separation and distance, no matter how emotionally involved you may become. Maintain your own physical and mental health. Don't be a martyr or burn yourself out.

3. Physical and emotional reactions to disfigurement are normal. Deal with your reactions to their disfigurement somewhere else. If the person becomes aware of your physical reaction, tell them that this is a new experience for both of you. It's upsetting to see your friend hurting, but you'll both learn to deal with it. You want to be in the person's life and you hope what they saw didn't cause them too much additional pain.

4. Maintain hope even when the person can't. Maintain an expectation of recovery, improvement or renewed enjoyment of life - even if the circumstances don't improve or get worse. Perhaps things will never return to "normal." If not, help the person find a new "normal" in which the blessing of God's presence is real.

5. Be present as much but no more than the person wants. Everyone needs alone time and privacy as much as they need connection and communication.

6. Offer practical help, but don't smother the person. Encourage recovered independence in the long run.

7. Talk about the injury, trauma or disease as much as the person wants, but no more. Don't take the conversation somewhere the person doesn't want to go. Don't dig, and don't push the conversation past your level of intimacy. Silence is OK. Talking about things other than the accident, injury or disease is definitely OK. Allow the person to have and express whatever feelings come. All feelings can be "normal." There is no set of feelings or experiences that the person must have.

8. The injured person may attempt dark humor early in the healing process to express bitterness or despair. Allow it, but react to the pain, not the twisted humor. On the other hand, don't try to cover your own discomfort by making jokes yourself. If genuine laughter comes, it will probably come after a period of healing - and at the injured person's initiative.

9. Some discouragement, anger and feelings of hopelessness are normal. However, if your friend seems to be sinking into an ever deepening and constant state of depression, please encourage them to consult a mental health professional.

10. You'll make mistakes; that's the price of being involved with people. For the sake of the other person, forgive yourself and move on. Tell the other person that you are sorry that you did or said something hurtful, and then let it go. Don't impose your own continuing guilt feelings on them.

11. This is a new experience for you and for the person you are trying to help. Don't get stuck. If something isn't working, try something else until you find something that does work.

12. Trust God. Pray for your friend's recovery, and about items 1-11.